& to hold you in my arms
Monday, August 22, 2011 @8:04 PM
hello.haven't blogged in sucha long time.
2 weeks.
too busy.
hmmm so the past 2 weeks have been pretty repetitive.
I guess.
can't remember much.
hmmmm.
I remember last friday was my chuch choir AGM.
whatever that stands for.
but there were the choir committee elections.
haha.
got home late.
then saturday, I went to jurong regional library to supposedly to the english project with Maye.
Emily was there too.
and Kirstie came coincidentally.
haha.
anyway.
we didn't do anything at all.
just did their box thingy for teachers day.
I helped, cutting stars and confetti ;)
yayyay.
oh LOL I took the wrong bus on the way home.
saw my bus came,
just got on, didn't realise it was going the wrong direction.
till Maye told me.
ah I'm sucha klutz.
then sunday,
there was childrens' choir presentation.
talked about faith for class.
a continuation of last week.
faithfaithfaith.
what is faith.
I don't actually know how to explain actually.
it's like when you cross the road you know you most likely won't get hit down by a car.
it's like when you take the lift everyday you know the lift won't probably stop halfway.
I don't know.
that's kinda what faith is to me.
something like that.
it's like when you give your heart to someone and you kind of know they won't break it.
or maybe that's just being gullible.
gullible.
I guess that's what I am.
too trusting.
and I give in too easily.
ah.
I don't even know myself, honestly.
I'm always changing.
I used to be stronger, more optimistic I guess.
now I'm not.
I'm still trying, but not up to standard.
I just change all the time.
so I don't really know myself at all.
you know, actually I kinda surprised myself just now,
when I found I could still play the piano with emotion.
I thought I was already too numb by then,
emotionless,
since I was getting used to things.
I just get so tired sometimes.
I'm trying so hard,
yet nothing goes my way.
am I doing something wrong?
what's the point of trying when it doesn't make a difference?
I just feel like giving up sometimes.
I don't think either will make a difference.
I get so tired after trying everytime,
but it's still not what I want.
if I don't try,
it will be much worse.
but I'll be too tired from trying,
so it's the same.
everything's the same, no matter how much it changes.
that's just how it is.
oh yeah. back to my week.
so sunday, which was yesterday,
after church I went to althea's house for the english project with Maye, Kelly and her.
oh ho my horrible direction sense, I'm sorry.
at least we did something then.
hm I don't know.
but I guess going to her house made me see her a different light, sort of,
I now I kinda pity her for the way she's being discriminated by everyone.
well yeah I guess she's kinda annoying, but I kinda feel it's too much.
I'm being judged too, before people actually know the real me.
they hear what others say,
they see my outer appearance,
and they don't give me a chance.
and it just tears me down inside so much,
it makes me so demoralised,
it even affects my relationships with the people close to me.
now I can barely be myself with the people close to me,
cause there's always this fear that they'll just leave me
I barely feel appreciated these days.
I feel like I'm just a puzzle piece, trying to fit into all the wrong places.
sigh.
if only.
oh I really wonder if I should private my blog.
my blog is starting to be a place where I vent and rant
and apparently, this is kinda more than what I want people to know about me.
ah.
funny how I can have different personalities when I'm with different people.
I can really say a lot to some people. just talk and talk and I don't even have to think what to say.
but some others, I just have nothing to say.
I've come to a conclusion that, if I feel more appreciated by someone, the more I can open up to that person.
how I wish it could be like that with everybody.
sucks being me.
really feel like continuing to learn piano and theory and take some fhorn exams.
I don't want to lose all my music.
I should at least do something more with the things I can do.
however.
I have no time.
that's the biggest problem of all.
I'm so freaking busy and Olevels are these 2 years...
homework and tests and band practices all around...
oh lol reminds me of Mrs Chua's tree spirit all around
anyway.
people are even copying my repertoire.
the things I can play, everyone else can too.
especially this song, someone else with the same name as me plays it too.
argh jealous.
nothing special at all.
I'm just average.
in fact, below average.
so many things I can't do...
but honestly.
I wonder what plan God has in store for me.
I don't think I'm gonna go anywhere.
everything just repeats,
what can I do?
ah.
so freaking tired.
really wanted to fall asleep during school.
today there was physics s.......
oh nothing.
lol but I screwed up anyway.
ANYWAY.
anywayanywayanyway.
I'm such a loser.
my english in this post sucks too cause I'm too tired,
my head can't form sentences easily.
feel like sleeping now.
though its...
854pm.
ahhaha.
k.
nevermind.
byees(: