& to promise you my love
Thursday, September 1, 2011 @4:34 PM
hey.OW my calender just dropped on my head.
haven't blogged in a while. again.
too busy.
or lazy.
or no mood to.
oh well.
haha.
hmmmm. what happened this week.
can't remember.
sorry STM.
all I know was that things went down.
really down.
then it's starting to go up.
slowly.
but I feel all that I have might just slip away from me at any moment.
please, please don't.
I'm dying of desperation.
I keep repeating my mistakes over and over,
and keep getting hurt.
and hurting others I guess.
at least it seems a little different now,
now that I know the root of all problems.
now.
if only I could just stay strong and hang in there.
if only I just don't give up.
maybe things will really be alright in the end.
cause I'm trying.
I'm really trying my best.
with all my heart;
I'm doing all that I can.
don't try to understand me, cause I don't even understand myself.
what defines me?
I don't know, honestly.
there are certain things that I like,
but I stop liking those things after a while.
currently, though,
I still love animals, especially dogs,
and music,
like piano, frenchhorn, singing.
these things haven't changed for quite a while.
but I don't know if I'll stop loving them some day.
it differs for people though.
it won't change so easily.
I used to write stories, really retarded ones,
but now I can't even write a simple composition.
I used to despise chinese, like really, but now I find it's not so bad after all.
some songs, I'm crazy over them for a while, but then it becomes boring.
[there's this song that I've always been singing ever since 2 years ago though]
everything keeps changing.
I'm definitely different from what I used to be in primary school,
and I hope I can keep changing for the better.
oh gosh what am I talking about.
how did I start talking about changes in the first place?
oh I remember.
so yeah.
I don't really understand myself, cause I keep changing.
one day I'm like this, and the next day, I'm like that.
I'm always misunderstood.
my false nonchalance might seem like I don't care.
my not-knowing-how-to-answer-certain-statements-ness might seem like I don't give a damn.
my indecisiveness/lack of self confidence/lack of courage might seem like I have no interest in voicing out.
my quietness might seem like I love solitude.
but no.
no one will understand.
no one has ever lived my life.
no one else has ever been me.
people just assume and keep their stereotypes.
then again, no one will understand,
so why do I bother explaining.
maybe I should just continue living my life with all these misunderstandings until I really can't take it anymore.
but when I can't, I also won't know what to do.
went back to primary school today by the way.
yesterday after band,
Maye & I went to clementi to get prezzies for Terri Tan and Alester Tan. (:(:
so we gave them today.
school started at 9 yay
assembled, then the thingy at the hall.
don't know what it's called.
celebration?
anyway.
I guess it was... okay.
alot of out of tune bands.
haha.
oh well.
not like I'll dare to even step up there.
Happy Teachers Day :D
gave the presents,
then went back to NHPS.
hmm sis was already there before my school ended I think.
so.
didn't have anyone to go back with.
pathetic me.
heh. oh well.
didn't really meet any teachers either.
hmm, the school's gotten kinda different.
haha.
pri 1 kids so tiny. ^^
went home after that with my sisters.
blahblah.
I'm bored.
freaking alot of homework.
gahhh.
no mood to do.
whee no school tomorrow (:
I never liked holidays so much before.
oh yeah, monday holiday, stayed at home all day.
tuesday I went for WSS3 :D
amazingrace.
haha.
my group is kinda...
well when we started off, it was like...
*awkward silence*
except my group leader was really enthu so it was great to have her,
or it'll be...
*awkward silence*
all the way.
hehheh.
but yeah it got alot better after that.
sure we weren't the most enthu group,
but it was nice knowing new people.
reached the lunch place the 1st :D
reached the end point, which was GMC the 3rd.
completed it, but didn't win cause points not enough I think.
maybe cause it was the helpline.
oh henderson wave...
lol.
damn that stupid guy stranger calling me again.
whotheheck are you??
stalking innocent little girls >(
pfft haha innocent.
maybe I am.
innocent and foolish, that is.
foolish, stubborn, selfish.
gosh reminds me.
I think I'm sucha evil sister.
like my sis buys a drink and she'll let me drink abit.
but when I do and she wants a sip,
I'd unwillingly let her, telling her not to drink so much in a stern voice.
hmmmm.
k sometimes my second sister is kinda... I don't know. annoying?
but sometimes she's really nice and helpful.
she carried my 3rd sister's bag on the way home from school and paid for my 3rd sister's lunch when I said,
'no way man I'm not buying for her'.
GOSH it's like she has multiple personalities too.
sometimes really evil, sometimes an angel.
and I think I'm just evil to my sisters.
heh oops.
yeah 3rd sister's kinda cute sometimes, but sometimes annoying too.
and she's good too. she'll share her sweets with me when I won't ever dream sharing my sweets with her.
OHGOSH I'm really evil. darnit.
just realised. and selfish to them too.
but still they're nice to me ;)
aw how touching.
I shouldn't be so evil anymore. I guess.
hehhehheh.
stupid ants crawling all over my table.
don't know where they're all living, can't find, but yeah there's always at least one crawling in my sight everytime.
feel better after venting.
or else those thoughts will be stuck in my mind and I'll keep thinking about it and make myself feel worse.
oh hahahah my school bag strap broke on thursday. I think.
was walking with Maye, crossing the road,
when it broke.
ahahhaha gosh that was silly.
but I guess the plastic wasn't so durable.
oh well.
got a new one.
father didn't actually allow me to,
but I got my mum to buy.
my mum's nice (:
she doesn't really side my dad, or scold, unless we don't listen to her.
that's why I feel that I can tell her everything.
well, almost everything.
we can have these long discussions about faith.
whatever about it I'm not so sure about, I ask her.
she seems to know alot.
haha.
see, I've changed again.
I used to think my family was just plain annoying.
and I used to vow that I'd never let out my feelings to them.
oh but look at these long discussions with my mum.
and how my 2nd sis and I can get totally retarded.
haha.
oh well.
my dad still makes me feel trapped. /:
hm anyway I'm kinda tired now.
really hoping I don't have to have dinner at home tomorrow.
I don't want to.
whoo september holidays here I come :D
ah k.
hope I won't be too busy/lazy/moodless(?) to blog soon. ;)
byees. ^^