cause i love you

& to see you once again
Saturday, November 5, 2011 @9:01 PM

hello.
sigh. I don't know why, but my heart's in turmoil now and desperately need to vent.
I don't even know what happened, why I suddenly became like this, but I hate this feeling.
however, honestly, I don't want to always be so emo here.
I'd rather if this were a happy place, but I can't help it. I just need to vent.

but I don't know where to start.
iueah;gjaekgirfnjegvknadkjglherkngjhegviuetniugvhngbnhjknbkdjgaoinjkafhgnkjdaiknkfjbnIdon'tknowwhattosay. /:
sigh.
I'm afraid.
I don't want to make the same mistakes over and over again like I've done before,
and hurt myself and others.
it's sucks, really.
when I try so hard but I always don't know what to do.
I always 不知所措。
I don't know how to show out.
I don't know how to show what I want, who I want.
I don't know how to stand up for what I believe in.
I don't know how to do what I want to do.
I just can't find the courage to.
don't underestimate what I'm saying.
it's harder for me than you think.
I wish I could be like how I am at home when I'm outside,
crazy and crazy.
I can be reaaallly noisy at home and retarded and crazy and noisy and retarded.
but that side of me is unable to show itself when I'm outside.
well, not exactly when I'm outside.
rather, when I'm with people that aren't my family members.
it's just so hard, I don't even know who I am when I'm myself,
cause the side people know of me is the quiet one,
but I don't even like being quiet.
I hate it, I despise it, and I wish I wasn't born this way.
it has kinda screwed up my whole life.
it's not exactly about being quiet.
it's about being able to... show out.
it always feels like people don't know me enough cause I don't know how to show myself.
it feels like there's a transparent wall between myself and the world,
people will never really know me, and I'll never really be able to come out and live freely.
I'm trapped within myself, hiding in my own shadow.
only people who care enough to make the effort to enter my world, then I'll be able to come out to them.
I've tried, but somehow I'm still stuck.
I'm always hurting myself, again and again.
worst of all, I hurt others too.

maybe that's why I delve so much into music.
french horn, piano, singing.
maybe it just gets my emotions out, where I'm able to express myself.
nowadays I feel that I'm playing my music better, cause when I feel angry or sad or something, I push myself harder.
so I make better music, and I free myself from my emotions a bit.

and I've taken to scribbling.
sometimes I can't find the words to describe the way I'm feeling, or what I want to say.
so I scribble. or shade. whatever.
it also feels like it's getting my frustration out.

okay.
that's all I wanted to say.
I feel better now.
oh, the 2012 booklist is out.
yay we don't have to buy too many books this year.

oh yeah.
extended curriculum was fine.
last day tuesday.
and haha monday is a holiday.
OH YEAH MONDAY IS A HOLIDAY.
I don't have to finish my homework yet.
o.o just realised.
YAY ME.
LOL.
k nevermind.

ah I feel kinda trapped again.
like the situation last year.
just different people.
I've stuck to a certain person when I felt lonely cause that person would take me in,
but then now I realise that person is the one making others stay away from me.
well. kinda.
but it's pretty much almost the same situation.
sigh.
I hate conflict.
especially when I'm in it.
arghsiuhgiadsjksgcmljnkagjbnkmbkgadnblkdmnakhjbdijgnbkjdnbkjdanhbjkdatnkhjbhdnkbjgdnajkbgmdnfkzjnbdlkafnbkjagdfmn bkj I feel frustrated again.
I don't wanna lose hope again.
I hate to despair.
it's a horrible feeling.
but yeah it's true that God always suddenly gives me some support from random people at times when I really need it,
like they said in YF today.
apthigorejigjoajgisjIJSAGHKDLF.NKJJASKJDNLGJBKDGBJDLKS I DON'T WANT TO LOSE EVERYTHING AGAIN.
sigh.
I don't know what to think.
what should I think?
sigh.
I hope that this time, it'll really work out.

oh yeah I'm going to malaysia from the 11th to 15th november.
the last time my family went, I didn't go, cause I just came back from china.
so yeah I think I haven't seen my cousins for a year already.
haha oh well.
quite looking forward to it actually.
just that I'll be missing a whole bunch of band practices and a small performance,
which is the junior band graduation night.
oh well.

CRAP it's so late I have to go.
byees [:

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