cause i love you

& to see you once again
Sunday, December 25, 2011 @5:04 PM

MERRY CHRISTMAS! :D
it's finally christmas.
which means the year is ending.
and school is starting soon.
meh. I keep neglecting my blog. lazy /:
but anyway.
today doesn't feel like a christmas.
hmmm why?
oh well.
church today.
combined service.
buffet lunch.
then went to visit my greatgrandmother.
sigh she looks so fragile.
she can't even eat normally anymore.
or walk.
she just lies in the bed all day.
sadded.
she's 90+ already.
and my greatgrandfather is 2 years older.
but he's like, healthy (:
obviously he can't run or stuff,
but still he's not stuck in a bed all day.
ah well.
I don't want to be so old /:

anyway.
let's see what happened the past week.
ah.
last sunday was candlelight service.
which was nice.
holding the candles.
they were pretty.
and it was my last presentation in the childrens' choir.
going out of it soon ):
hmmmm.
last tuesday, last last monday and last last thursday I went clementi library with Maye again :D
finished up almost all the homework.
movie soon I hope (:
good thing we went to do homework,
or else I think I'll still be left with alot.
kinda finished all my homework already,
except bits of fcyd that I don't know how to do.
hmmmm oh well.
I don't feel like starting any studying.
I'm so freaking lazy that I can't stand it.
but I can't help it.
this is badddddd.

oh yeah.
last thursday,
I went to USS :D
with my sisters and mum.
cause malaysia cousins also going.
so we met them there.
and good thing they went.
cause my mum and sisters always don't dare to take the scary rides so I can go with the cousins (:
very very tiring day.
very.
almost died.
lol.
but fun (:
but tiring.
then on friday,
malaysia cousins came to stay over.
hmmmm good thing I don't have to give up my room :D
but my sister had to share bed with me /:
oh well.
it seems we don't bond as well with our cousins anymore.
sigh oh well.
I'm still the same as last time.
but my sisters used to be crazy and noisy with them even.
now it's...
ah well.
dinner was pizza and turkey.
haha.
homemade.
then they went to orchard road.
was wondering if they'd get lost.
but oh they came back safely.

then yesterday aka saturday.
carolling :D
not the usual nighttime house to house kind.
but we went to the old folks home and stuff.
so I went out early in the morning when everyone else was still sleeping.
okay not that early.
but about 7+.
bused to st joseph's home.
old folks.
so yeah.
we sang, interacted with them...
one old man was really happy :D
he said so.
makes me feel good to make people happy.
then lunch at Joyce/Grace Toh's house.
then we went to some home for the terminally ill children.
was ambushed once I got into the room.
there was this boy, autistic I think,
yeah he was screaming and holding my hand.
they said he was happy, this was his way of expressing himself.
did that to some other people too.
was kinda freaked out at first,
but haha it's actually kinda sweet.
and he only did that to certain girls.
not the guys haha.
so yeah we sang, interacted with them
then after that, some of us went to the hospice.
only 30 people can go.
they are that strict.
so the rest went back to church.
I went to the hospice.
there wasn't like a main hall or something where the people could come out,
so we split into 3 groups and sang on the corridors.
haha I think the singing there sounded better than the previous 2 places.
maybe less people?
maybe no piano?
I don't know.
but yeah.
then after that we went back to church.
stayed for YF.
hmmmm
so there were games,
which were fun, or so I thought,
and there was food.
so yup it was nice (:
then after that I went back.
dad hosted some christmas party thing
and there were so many people in the house.
from his church.
oh well most of them I recognised.
so haha it was nice seeing those childhood friends whom I haven't seen for so long.
it was a long day.
fun, but tiring.

so today's christmas :D
didn't get a lot of christmas presents but oh well it's enough I suppose.
and I'm very very tired these days.
I just feel like taking naps but I'm afraid it'll screw up my body clock.
and school's starting soon...
ahhhhhhhhh.
I'm not ready for 2012 yet...
gonna be sec 4 soon, gonna be 16 soon, gonna take o levels soon...
damn.
I'm worried already.
last year in fairfield.
how in the world did time pass this fast?
SIGH.

I don't want to fall again.
I don't want to lose hope again.
I don't want to be so lost and afraid,
I don't want to feel so worthless again.
it's the things I can to do myself that I'm afraid of.
I need to remember:
pain is inevitable,
but misery is a choice.
I won't give in,
no, I won't give in so easily.
I'm gonna stay strong and keep the faith,
cause that's what I need to keep me going.
I won't be afraid [I hope], cause I know that everything's gonna be alright.
everything happens for a reason, I need to remember that.

it's funny how I can reassure myself like that so easily when everything's fine.
but when things start going wrong,
when my depression pulls me down again,
and if I give in to it,
suddenly everything seems so hopeless.
when everything's alright, when I'm still keeping the faith,
anything is possible, in my eyes.
and I'll be so accepting that definitely it is happening for a reason,
and I can accept myself easily for who I am.
in my hopelessness,
I've already given up, breaking myself up, tearing myself into little pieces, stepping on myself, again and again.
when it all seems to go wrong,
I hate myself so much and I'm just drowning in self pity and destruction.
I just hope I won't fall again, not yet at least.
I'm not ready for the pain.
I'll be alright, eventually.

so yep (:
for now, I'm alright.
I'm waiting for the euphoria again.
someday, it'll come again, I know.

okay that's all for now I suppose.
shall go watch my drama now or something.
ahha.
byees (:

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