& I can see it in your eyes Sunday, March 25, 2012 @4:10 PM
hi (: hmmm the past week has been fine. I'm supposed to do my hcl online tests now but oh well. had too much in my head. so yeah.
I don't know what has suddenly got me feeling this way, but it really sucks. yeah I know there may be people around me, but I'm still alone. does anyone realise I'm always second best? it's always been like that but I don't know why I'm suddenly feeling the weariness of it all. and I can't change this. I can't force people to like me. cause I know people aren't happy when they are with me. when I'm with a group of people, everyone's excited and happy and I laugh along. then the people go and there's one person left with me, and I notice that person isn't as high/excited as he/she was a few moments before. I'm a mood dampener. it sucks cause I'm only good when people what peace and quiet and calm, or a listening ear, just listening, without opinions, but everybody prefers excitement. everybody prefers advice when they have problems. me? pfft yeah right. means I shouldn't have and human contact when no one needs peace and quiet in case I spoil their mood? I'd rather die.
everyone leaves eventually, and knowing that, I subconciously push them away, against my own will, so they won't hurt me. but I'm hurting myself. ugh. I wonder who actually cares. who actually will stay there for me, even if I'm such a letdown. who actually understands me. who actually needs me. cause when you get right down to it, no one does. I'm just a backup plan. every single bloody time. been that way for more than 6 years and before that I was too young to care. yeah, whatever. I may have some good qualities but the bad ones outnumber them. how can I ever be good enough for anyone? even when I'm talking to people, I'm stuck thinking how much they'd rather be with someone else. it isn't intentional fyi. why then? what's wrong with me? this loneliness is killing me.
it's so damn bloody difficult. I'm trying, I really am. but it feels like I'm going nowhere. dare to dream, people always say. but isn't it worse if your dreams can't come true and you get disappointed? most people have dreams that are actually possible for them to reach. but mine requires a complete change of personality. dream come true? I'd better dream on. and you aren't even supportive of me. I told you my dream, and you agreed that it wasn't practical. you told me yours, and I had to force myself to accept it, since it's your dream, yet I'd be the one suffering next time when you're barely around. I need someone that stays by me, who accepts me for who I am. that time I told you my flaws, hoping you'd say otherwise, but you didn't even try and prove me wrong. you even agreed that I should change. whearas I didn't tell you the things I thought you should change about yourself, cause I accept you for who you are. I don't know what I should do, but its breaking me apart. where are my wings.
SIGH. okay enough of the emo stuff. let's see. physics SPA was last friday and hmm it was okay la. bio this wednesday oh no. amath test tomorrow. gah. I'm drowning in my homework yet I'm making no effort to swim. good one, Grace. Grace. Grace Grace Grace. suddenly it sounds so weird. it doesn't sound like. me. I don't feel like a Grace. hi, I'm Grace. hi. hmm weird. I feel like a... okay I don't know what I feel like. I'm not even graceful for goodness sake. I'm not amazing either. you know, amazing grace. hm. are you sure I'm Grace? my gosh why am I making myself so confused haha. NEVERMIND. I need to stop my ranting and get to work. MARCH IS ENDING. BAND IS ENDING. I WILL MISS MY FRENCHHORN. CAN SOMEONE BUY ME A NICE FRENCHHORN PLEASE.
HAHAHA. I woke up at 2pm yesterday. freaking 2. woke up and realised more than half my day was gone. yay me.
anyway off I go. to homework. lalala. bye. [:
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30 Jan, her day.
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