& hi guys
Thursday, June 20, 2013 @7:05 PM
haven't touched this blog in ages
good thing, or no?
I don't know why I've come back here, really
revisiting the past maybe
I seem to have lost my words
I can speak proper sentences
I can't write my thoughts like I used to
everything is incoherent
maybe that's why
that's why I've come back here to find back who I once was
I've changed
so much
in ways that you probably can't see
what happened to that girl I once saw standing before me?
consumed
she was consumed by the hate and anger that was this world
this wicked, cursed world
she wished for an escape
and honestly
I've never hated the world
hated people this much before
they say as you grow older you should become stronger and wiser with the experiences gained
well, I've become more immature
more naive
more unwilling to trust
more fragile
more easily broken
pessimistic
scared of the world
in hiding
waiting for some light to come take away this darkness
all this when I'm not even depressed
all this when I'm in my 'normal' mood
then what happens,
when I break?
I've lost the joy in living
nothing makes me jumping-on-air happy anymore
even if there is,
once I'm alone
the monster comes and haunts me
my studies suck
I hate school and exams and homework
I want to learn for the sake of learning
I don't want to learn for the grades
my dreams are crashed
I'm just not cut out for the spotlight
here I am,
sitting here stagnantly while everyone else
reaches their dreams
I sit here
while the people I know achieve the dreams that I've always wanted to achieve
I look on in envy
I tell myself that I'll be a roadsweeper
but me??
I hate sweeping the floor man
I'm not ready to grow up
I'm still to naive and innocent and scared to face the world
I still can't take initiative
I still can't lead
I'm still low profile
I can't be who you want me to be
I'm sorry
I'm sorry I'm a disappointment
I'm disappointing
to you, to you and you and you
and I don't understand why I'm still
here
and my dear
you make me happy
you make me feel like there's nowhere else in the world I need to go
I'm safe
right there
but am I who you expected me to be?
do I disappoint you?
I see that girl you once loved
how could I ever compare to her?
I still don't see
why in the world
you'd love me
and it feels like
heaven's playing a cruel trick on me
and
you'd be gone
just when I finally thought all was well
because
when are things ever so perfect?
I'm scared
I'm really really scared
and this haze threatens to engulf me
I'm trying so hard
but
I'm still here
am I a fallen angel?
am I still bounded by His love and care?
why do I feel so distant
from what I'm supposed to cling onto?
my faith is shaking
it's on wobbly grounds
where's the foundation?
where did it disappear to?
I thought it was right beneath me all along
I curl up into a ball
and no tears
not anymore
I hope