& well hello
Saturday, February 22, 2014 @11:27 PM
back here after so long!
really had to vent about stuff.
it's all so busy these days and I barely have time for anything
even schoolwork hmmmm
and so I've been sleeping pretty late recently!
the previous week was 1am++
last week was 2am++
this coming week?
3am?
I hope not.
BUT ANYWAY
that's not the reason I came here
sigh
I'm such a bad friend...
always failing to stand up for my friends
I mean like, it's not like I don't care or anything.
in fact, I really do
I care so much that I beat myself up for failing to do just this for them
which I just did
and it sucks
I'm such a disappointment
yeah my friends say they understand,
cause of my past and all and I'm still trying and it's the thought that counts and whatnot
but then
when they're facing a misunderstanding or big bully
no matter what they think about you
they will still feel a little disappointed that their friend isn't helping
and I don't know what to do
I don't know how
I just don't know how to do this
and why can't I stand up for my friends?
well I guess only not that long ago,
I learnt that it's a friend's duty to stand up for their friends
and then I also need time to develop that
but there are things hindering me,
such as my fears
I don't even stand up for myself
but yeah, this thing that happened,
it's between friends
maybe I'm scared of taking side
being against one when helping the other
but okay I suppose that isn't the real problem cause one is my best friend and the other is my friend
so it should be clear whose side I'm on
then?
maybe I'm scared of that friend
she can be scary at times and I'm too afraid to get on her bad side
but sigh
how to I get rid of these fears?
when can I be a man and do the right thing?
moral courage has always been a problem to me
it's not that I don't care
it's that I'm afraid
afraid to stand up for anything
but then they say
if you don't stand for anything
you will fall for everything
maybe that's where I am now
falling.
I don't know how to work on this
I want to be a good friend
I hate seeing my friend sad
I hate seeing her hurt
I hate it
I hate it even more when I was there and did nothing to stop it
when I actually could
I could say that I tried
but that's different
it doesn't change the fact that she was hurt
sigh.
I'm sorry for being a bad friend.
---------------
another thing,
I get kinda irked when people just say they're depressed
when they're not
like, 'omg I'm seriously gonna fail the test later. I'm gonna get so depressed'
I mean like
do you even know what it feels like to be depressed?
okay fine, I know that there are people who will fail the test and get depressed
but then
the people who just throw the word around like it's a joke
what??
okay maybe I'm being judgemental here
maybe they really do get depressed
but it's just
do you know that feeling where your heart just feels like stone
a big, huge, black rock
when everything looks grey
when you just curl up and cry and night
and you feel like your life is over, but it's not and you want it to be over
you don't even feel pain
you feel
nothing
where everything is tasteless
and okay maybe you do see colours
but they don't really appeal to you anymore
and you feel so hopeless and lost
like really
hopeless
and there's no end to it
and you hate yourself so much you want to die
but you can't
when you smile but it doesn't even feel like a smile
it feels like it's
'-made in China-'
when you feel so scared
and alone
and you want to be happy and think happy thoughts but only sad things flood your brain
when you feel like no one cares
(when they actually do and you try to convince yourself)
but the dark monster wins all the time
when you just drift around all day looking for some direction
but you refuse to follow the arrows given to you
when everything just feels all wrong
when you just cry
and cry
and cry
and hate everything and anything but you love them at the same time
and you can't do anything about it
and how about the people who actually go for counselling and take pills for this?
it's a condition
it's a freaking condition that can be lethal
cause well sometimes it pushes people to suicide
and OMG those people who say
'omg I'm gonna fail my test. can I kill myself now'
pshh
what a thing to die about
okay yeah it's possible
I think the thing that really bothers me is
the injustice of this
the way people undermine depression
they treat it like it's nothing
they just throw it about like nothing
seeking sympathy maybe?
and then you look at those people who are really facing this
they really do want to kill themselves so much it hurts
they are the ones needing the help and all the sympathy they can get
but
they hold it in
they keep quiet about it and hide it as best as they can
and no one notices
no one helps
and then
bam
it's funny how it's usually the people who claim to be depressed, not being depressed
and vice versa
hmmmm
gotta watch everyone more carefully
look under the surface
and care
and okay well my description of depression isn't all that accurate I suppose
since it's been a while since I've really felt that way
trying to be happygirl96 now!
positive positive all the way
fight fight fight
but anyway
I hope that monster doesn't come back again
living in denial is one of my swords
don't know if its the right thing to do but oh well
ignorance is bliss
something sad?
don't think about it
don't even think
(haha at my previous post)
but oh well...
I guess that's pretty much all I wanted to say for now
still waiting for the day I become a good friend
sorry for being disappointing
sorry for being a disappointment
and yep
sleep beckons
goodnight